Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
