Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
