i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
