It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
