Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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