I heard we made out
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
