woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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