I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
