I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
