Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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