you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize