When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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