my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I pour the whiskey from now on
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
