Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
