i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
