dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
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You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
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Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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