remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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