So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
