Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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