Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
