Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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