I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
