I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
