My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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