Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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