I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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