my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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