I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
