I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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