mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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