Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
