Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
