Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
