Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just want to make out with him forever
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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