we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
