How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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