I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
