Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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