Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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