idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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