I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You dont lie about slip and slides
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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