Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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