im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
