i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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