Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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