how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
