After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
