if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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