I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
