If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize