I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
