take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
