It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
