well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
