I bet he comes in French.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
