yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
