Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
