I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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