Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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