I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
